Dear (well, not-so-dear) Whatever you may be,

I appreciate it. I really do. You seem to want to help me, but you’re being just a tad high-handed about it. You haven’t done anything malevolent, just a few things that were creepy and inconvenient. Creepy and inconvenient doesn’t mean bad, it’s like Edward Cullen. But I have to draw the line. Making a homework folder is like climbing in my bedroom window, sweet, in an unnecessary and disturbing way. That’s Edward Similarity #1. ES#2 is you’re changing my default opening page, which is like trying to read my mind. I have never HEARD of mywebsearch! And I don’t know how to change it!!! If Joe hadn’t intervened, bad things would have happened. To you. Now, I’m back to Google, so this note is far more civil than it could have been. Be glad.

Now that that unpleasant business is done, let’s move on to something else that’s been bothering me…I don’t know your name. If your planning on staying here for a while, I should have something to call you. Don’t feel obliged to tell me your real name, Mr/Mrs/Ms. Computer Creature; I understand your concerns about internet safety. Therefore, I dub thee…CC Moloch! CC stands for “Computer Creature” and Moloch is a demon that Willow accidentally scans onto the internet from the book in which it had been bound (in season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer). What do you think? Fairly androgynous, friendly sounding…I like it. It suits you.

I’m glad we had this chat.

Virtual hugs and kisses,

RJ

I’m sure it’ll be gratified to hear that I’m comparing it to a very popular vampire. That would soften ME up quite well!

Cat, vase, car, tree, and bookshelf.

Prepare yourself.

They had no clue what was coming. The sweet, black cat with the perfect four-pointed  star on its forehead and the butterscotch colored eyes seemed harmless, pitiful even, sitting on their doorstep, whiskers drooping in the heavy rainfall. It looked sorrowfully up at them and gave an imploring “Mew?” The nice, middle-aged couple and their three kids could never resist such a charming kitty.

But they would grow to wish they had.

Every day, the kids would look out the window of the first floor to see the kitty sitting in a huge weeping willow tree, it’s fur shimmering in the sunlight, ruffled by the light breeze. Alaric, as the cat had been named, was serene, so graceful that he could jump atop a vase without rocking it, and inconspicuous, but at the same time regal.  His fur was so black, it seemed to absorb the sunlight, and cast out darkness in it’s place.Alaric loved high places, especially the tops of bookshelves and trees. He wanted to be able to see everything without being seen. One night, as another rainstorm raged, the family was driving home from dinner in their car, a Prius.

They got out of the car and were soldiering through the cruel Illinois wind, rain whipping their faces. The woman saw a dark shape sitting expectantly on the porch steps. Amber eyes glowed out from the darkness, holding malicious intent. For a moment, the woman was scared, until she recognized Alaric.

“You scared me, sweet kitty,” she said with a smile, in the tone that all cat lovers use. She was so busy petting Alaric’s soft, damp fur that she didn’t notice the amber eyes as they slowly bled to red, didn’t hear the soft “ching” of his fangs coming out. She drew back to look at Alaric, but as soon as she saw that her “sweet kitty” was no longer a cat at all, but rather a bloodsucking vampire, the cat attacked.

Alaric drank his fill, killing the entire family. He licked the blood from his fur, then sauntered over to the neighbor’s house and scratched at the door. The elderly woman opened the door, and smiled at the cat she saw there. “Mew?” he said imploringly. The old woman couldn’t resist the beautiful cat.

But she would grow to wish she had.

Creepy, right? I admit, I am perpetuating bad vampire stereotypes, with the glowing red eyes/killing children/dark and stormy night thing, but this was my first vampire story. Ever. I’ll do better next time (I hope). Also, some charming vampire lolcats…

Vampire Cat doing what vampires do best

The Vampire Le-cat (bad pun, I know. Anne Rice would have my head)

Undead and Unwed by Mary Janice Davidson is about Betsy Taylor who, after a vicious attack by  “mysteriously” bloodthirsty muggers who “mysteriously” don’t like garlic, finds herself waking up in a tacky pink outfit, in a morgue after supposedly dying from getting run over Anyway, within her first week of undeath she finds out that she’s not like other vamps: she touches crosses, holy water just makes her sneeze, and sunlight does nothing to her. She also manages to infuriate an insane and powerful vampire who really takes the “you’re with me, or you’re against me” stance. Now, she has to contend with being one of the undead, an insane adversary, and naturally an attractive, if creepy, vampire who keeps insisting that shes a queen.

I would rate this book as a six. Its just fluff, but it kindof gets a little more mysterious at the end. Good thing theres a sequel, so that all my questions can be answered!

Examples: Eric-the-invisible-vampire, “My favorite invention is the refrigerator because it keeps my Trueblood from spoiling.”

Nonexamples:

Xena-the-potentially-a-zombie-grey-cat, “Brains…”

All I want for Christmas is a Vampire by Kerrilyn Sparks is a paranormal Romance about a woman named Toni, who, after a brutal Malcontent (the bad vampires) attack, goes to work as a guard for the  good vampires, the ones that drink bottled synthetic blood. The vampires take her at face value, accepting her reasons for guarding them in the daytime, except for Ian, a scottish vampire, who suspects her of a secret agenda. As all of this plays out, the malcontent threat grows like a roiling stormcloud on the horizon, and war threatens.

On the scale, I would give this book a six. Its pretty much a fairy cake book. With marshmellow icing. Thats SERIOUSLY fluffy!

Basic Instructions: How to Set someone Straight

And to kill two birds with one stone for the other side: You like Twilight. You like Barbies. Here’s both.

Coming Soon: Fanged Friends

See. I’m not pro-Twilight. I’m not anti-Twilight. I have sucessfully found a happy median. Anything is possible.

Which True Blood Character Are You?

More on True Blood. Created by BuddyTV

You know, I must say I’m disappointed. It seems that I have the heart of a shape-shifter, not a vampire. What a let-down, but oh well, at least I’m not a HUMAN. That would have been embarrassing. Anything supernatural is fine.

You Are Sookie

You’ve never really fit in anywhere. You’re very different – and everyone around you knows it. You are very intuitive, to the point of reading minds. You know things that you rather not know. You can be easily overwhelmed by the burdens of others. You prefer to be alone or with the person you love. You’re not as innocent as you look. People expect you to be a pushover, but you’re really a fighter.

I stand in an apple orchard wearing a really old-fashioned dress: lace and ribbons and all that fluff, in other words, totally not suitable clothing for an apple orchard at all. However, dream-me, who always, for some odd reason, has red hair and looks like Sassymonkey (don’t ask me why, I don’t know), doesn’t seem to realize this as I/ she sings about roses and castles as she picks apples.

Suddenly, a man bursts through the wall that surrounds the orchard.

“Would you like an apple?” I ask sweetly, nonplussed by a strange man in my orchard.

“No, thank you.” he replies equally politely.

“Then die!” I scream and launch myself at him, my face a mask of rage.

Before he can react, I kiss the unfortunate soul, and he is reduced to dust, like when Buffy stakes a vampire. Another man rushes through the wall, and stares in horror at the remains of my former victim.

“What did you do to him?” he gasps.

“The same thing I’ll do to you if you make his mistakes,” I reply, head cocked, the sweet demeanor returned. I hold out an apple to him. “Apple?”

The dream changes then, and I am in the kitchen with my sister. She looks younger then she is, five instead of eleven, and she gives me the annoyed look that only she has perfected.

“Why aren’t you dressed yet Rebecca? The wedding’s in an hour and you have to get your speech together!”

“What? What speech? Whose wedding? What?”

“Oh don’t play dumb with me! YOUR wedding! Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now…every one you admire and everyone with any power in this world is coming. You know: Lisa Stone, the QueenofSpain, and most of all Denise are all going to be there!”

The dream changes again and I’m standing on a podium, holding a sheet of paper and wearing the most garish wedding dress ever. I know that the language on the paper is english, but I don’t recognize it at all. I look out at the congregated crowd, seeing their set, stone-like faces, then back at the gibberish speech, and I do what I would do if it were real life: I fainted.

When I woke up, I was shivering in my own bed and vowing never to eat apples or get married. I have the freakiest nightmares…

A= You have read 99 percent of all vampire books, and can recognize and summarize any vampire novel named with no hesitation

B= You have read 75 percent of vampire novels named and can carry on a coversation about at least 20 obscure authors/books.

C= You have an average understanding of vampire novels and can recommend heaping armfuls of books to people.

D= You Have read Twilight and Dracula and can recommend 1-5 books

F= You catch your self asking: “Aren’t vampires those things with fangs?” or “What is Buffy the Vampire Slayer about?”. In other words, you live under a rock, and all hope is lost.

Most people have a D, simply because there are so many books about vampires, and reading enough of them is HARD. There are vampire romance, fantasy, sci fi, everything. I am getting probably a C-, which is really bad. By the way, your Vampire grade reflects nothing upon your intelligence, because Vampires are not even in the same realm as academic subjects.

But there is still hope! I shall list below five books that I am forcing Anne to read because when I met her she was getting an F. These are the best that the Vampire world has to offer (well, the little of the vampire world that I have breached).

1. Once Bitten, Twice Shy by Jennifer Rardin.

I will keep pushing this book at you until you relent. This series is really to good to pass up on. Remember, this is for your own good.

2. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris

Oh my gosh. I have been blabbing about this book since the day I started this blog. Really.

3. Jessica’s Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantaskey

Really, really excellent book.

4. Marked by P.C. and Kristen Cast.

This is a love it or hate it book. I feel connected to it because it snapped me out of my D- phase, where all I knew of vampires was the Twilight books.

5. This is a tie between Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost and Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead. Therefore, read them both.

Down With Vampire Illiteracy!!! Up with A+ students!!!

1. Vayl from Once Bitten Twice Shy by Jennifer Rardin

Yes, I realize the name of the book is corny. But what really amazes me is Vayl. What I love about him is that he takes it slow. Most vamps are sharing hot, steamy kisses in the first book, but Vayl isn’t like that. Vayl gets awesomer and awesomer as the books go on, and its not an Edward and Bella situation: true love in two months. Vayl is patient, attractive (duh, he’s a vampire), kind, and his eyes are so expressive. He’s smart and strong and a great assassin. Read the books. You have to. Seriously, these books are tying with Sookie Stackhouse ( the series by Charlaine Harris) on my must-read-o-meter. That is better than Tithe and Wake, like a 9.9 on the scale. What I really adore is that they take the time to make you fall in love with Vayl instead of expecting that because the heroine likes him, you will too. These books are a rare gift.

2. Constantine from Sunshine by Robin Mckinley

This guy is the strong, silent, fighting urge to drink your blood type. Like Edward. But so much cooler. Because Edward never gets chained in Dungeons. Nor does he feed people muffins. Just read the book. Please. I’m begging you.

3. Eric from the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris.

Yes, he kind of is a bit of a perv. But he gets so sweet, so caring, without losing his personality. He doesn’t turn into a blubbering pile of mud when it comes to love, and he takes much better care of Sookie than that traitor Bill ever did. If you haven’t read the books, you have no idea what I’m talking about, which is one of many, many reasons you should read the books. You saw that in my two other paragraphs I made Edward references, but here is what is incredible about Eric: he doesn’t have a hint of Edward. He doesn’t care about what mere mortals think, he doesn’t really jump with joy upon learning that he actually had feelings for Sookie, he has no qualms about killing people. Actually, here’s one similarity: they both love getting expensive gifts for their loves.

4. Tate from One foot in the Grave by Jeaniene Frost

I really like this guy because since he doesn’t get the girl, he doesn’t have the chance to become a possessive, patriarchal maniac like a lot of others. I almost made this ranking go to Bones, but then I realized that he was exactly the sort of possessive jerk I hate. So boo to him. Tate is attractive, helpful, selfless, and has always stood by what he believed in. But unfortunately, like Jacob, he fell in love with a girl who would never love him back. And he wasn’t even graced with the pitying title of “best friend”. Cat should have chose him, and I can only hope that in the upcoming fourth book, he finds someone good enough for him.

5. Christian from A girls Guide to Vampires by Katie Macalister

Here’s another “untouchable girl” case. Except this one is so much more depressing. Christian found his Beloved, the one girl who could save his soul, but she chose someone else. That has got to burn. This girl would be so selfish that she would choose a much more annoying possesive man over a nice, undead vampire. Personally, I say she has no taste in men. I bet Christian thinks so too.