Vampire Vocab » Interviews

Interview with Wilma the Prairie Dog

RJ — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 00:41:05 +0000

First, let me say the NAME IS NONE OF MY DOING!!!!! Oh. My. Gosh. I wanted her named Anita, or SOMETHING, but, nooooo, she was named WILMA!!! Before I go into full rant-mode, let me explain. Our dog, Jake, died. I really don’t want to go into that. My Mom was trying to convince Denise to let her get a new dog. Denise was not so fond of the idea. Denise wanted an IPad. My mom was not so fond of the price. Stalemate.

But relationships are ALL about things you don’t want to do! So, as easter gifts, Denise gets an Ipad, my mom gets a dog. From the prairie. A prairie dog. Who looks like a really big squirrel, minus the bushy tail. Who somehow was cursed with the name Wilma. Anyway, she has a ball that she can roll around in, and we need to get her a different cage, because she keeps trying to strangle herself on the bars of this one.

What do we do with pets? We interview them, everyone knows that.

Me: Wilma, It’s a pleasure to interview you.

Wilma: No comment.

(All the while scurrying around like the white rabbit in Alice in wonderland. By the way, saw the movie, really liked it.)

M: So, what drives you to be so suicidal?

W: No comment.

M: Oooookay. So…Are you making friends?

W: Gaknar is giving me lessons in terrorizing the dog. He says I have a knack for it.

(Gaknar is my cockatiel. Not exactly Mr. Congeniality. I fear what Wilma and he will accomplish together. Think Apocalypse.)

M: Do you have any family Wilma?

W: Yes.

(Hmmmm…curt. Wait! A Vampire? Maybe. Probably. Surely! Only vampires are that curt!)

M: What are they like?

W: I think you want to use the past tense.

(See, she outlived them by centuries)

M: What do you mean?

(She seems to deflate, like a balloon, with a small puncture. Almost indiscernible.)

W: You see…they call me the “Energy Vampire”

(I knew it!!!)

W: It was a dark and stormy night. I was being hyper, as I always am, and my family was worn out because I had drained them of energy. Accidentally. Even the lookout was sleeping. Thats why we didn’t see it coming. Didn’t see them coming. They captured us all. They sold us out to what they called “pet stores”. What is a pet? Why do I go to a store of them? Why? WHY???

(Lightning flashes, illuminating the prairie dog’s sorrowful face. Lights fade out. Flashback scene ends.)

M: One last question. Who is your lighting manager? That lightning was really good.

W: No comment.

Interview with Xena the Zombie Gray Cat

RJ — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 02:26:56 +0000

I, for once, am not looking for vampires. Well, I am, but I’m pretty sure that the character we are interviewing today is not a vampire. Rather, I have reason to believe that Xena, a new, grey cat addition to my jovial bunch of stuffed animals, is a zombie. You see, she seems very single minded and persistent, has cold, soulless eyes, and staggers around holding her paws in front of her. Also, my stuffed animals heads seem to have been drained of their cotton brains. Therefore, I decided to inconspicuously ask her a few questions to determine carefully whether or not my suspisions are correct. Of course, I would never let on that I thought she might be a zombie…

Me: Xena, are you a zombie?

Xena: Brains…

(Ohh…evasive! Maybe I shouldn’t have written off vampire so soon!)

Me: Where do you see yourself ten years from now?

Xena: Brains…

(See, single minded! She should elaborate, though. Does she want to be a neuro-surgeon?)

Me: Are the other animals nice to you?

Xena: Brains…

(Is she insulting my animals intelligence? Hmmph!)

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Xena: Brains…

(What an odd name. I’ll have to look it up.)

Me: What’s your favorite food?

Xena: Brains…

Me: Wow! You’re the first person I’ve met that actually likes head cheese! Thanks so much for your time, Xena. Can I give you anything to thank you?

Xena: Brains, you idiot!

Me: Ummm…no.

I made a hurried exit. Xena seemed a tad bit aggravated, like she had repeated herself to the point of redundancy for someone who was missing an obvious truth. I can’t imagine why. She seemed a little terse during our interview, but showed no signs of being a zombie. Maybe I just interviewed a real vampire, unlike that poseur Miles!

Vampire Vocab at the Beach Boys Concert part Two

RJ — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:37:27 +0000

Vampire Vocab at the Beach Boys Concert part one

RJ — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:36:10 +0000

The Ninja Computer: an Interview

RJ — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 15:19:15 +0000

Today I decided to interview Kakashi, My beloved laptop. Kakashi has been my laptop for almost a year now and is very neat, clean, and attractive. Anyway, I named after the love of my life at the beginning of the year (these things change. If I had gotton him these days, he would be a Constantine. Or maybe an Eric.). Kakashi is a ninja from the manga and anime series Naruto. He is seriously awesome, and really cute. (Google Image Kakashi Hatake, You’ll see.) Therefore, I decided to interview his namesake, my computer. Let’s see if Kakashi is really a ninja. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I’ll beat around the bush…

me: Kakashi, are you a ninja?

k: Me? Um…no.

(Why don’t I believe you? Let’s change the subject.)

Me: Kakashi, do you like being my computer?

K: Some of the time. You give me a lot of free time to throw kunai knives at…I mean, make brownies. *nervous laugh*

Me: Brownies? So you like to cook?

K: Yes. I Was the chef of the group in my ninja…er, boy scout squad.

Me: That’s very interesting. What do you like to make?

K: Sweets, mostly. They helped us keep up our strength for fighting…um, I mean, building tents. I really liked making turtle brownies.

Me: One last question. Who do you think should’ve won American Idol this year?

k: Danny Gokey. He had a wonderful voice which made going on ninja missions…er, going to work much better

(Kakashi and I see eye to eye on that one.)

Me: Thank you for your time, Mr. Hatake.

I have to admit that my spirit was broken by this interview. It seems that I never find what I’m looking for when I go into an interview expecting something. First, Miles, who showed no signs of being a vampire, now this! Kakashi didn’t show any indication of being a ninja. I guess I’ll just keep looking.

Vampire Vocab and Other Strange Things Episode 3

RJ — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:41:18 +0000

Vampire Vocab and Other strange Things episode 2

RJ — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 23:38:53 +0000

Interview with Liz

RJ — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:33:15 +0000

This is an actual interview with an actual person. I decided that I would interview my sister but at first she was very unwilling. Eventually I persuaded her. (By threatening to interview Coto, our dog, and saying she said his answers. Example: me: Liz, what do you look for in a person? Liz(coto): A very furry behind. It means that they’re healthy. Can You imagine that? My sister is very smart for taking the interview.) Anyway, our interview went exactly like this:

Me: What do you consider your best quality?

(A good enough question, I thought.)

Liz: What kind of question is that?!

Me: A legitimate one. Answer it.

Liz: What if I don’t want to?

Me: Ohhh Coto! Come here boy!

Liz: Er… fine, I can’t think of any qualities.

(I did not make ANY of this up, I swear!)

Me: Alright, how about your worst quality?

Liz: You!

(I didn’t consider that a real answer, but I could see that this was getting me no where, so I moved on)

Me: Whats your favorit book?

Liz: That’s a stupid question. Fine, Dragon’s breath.

( I didn’t think it was a stupid question, but I was gratified to hear that her favorite book was one that I recommended to her.)

Me: Do you prefer me or Joe (our older brother)more?

Liz: I like you equally. You’re both really weird.

(Oh lovely. At least on the subject of weirdness, someone was equal to me. I was beginning to wonder.)

Me: Do you like to cook?

Liz: Depends on what I’m cooking.

(So evasive! Is she a vampire?)

Me: What’s your favorite food?

(Blood, perhaps?)

Liz: Lamb chops.

(oh well…guess I’ll keep looking!)

Me: Thanks for your time.

Liz: Whatever.

I think I’ll go back to interviewing things that can’t actually talk. (Maybe I feel intimidated by her superior poetry skills…?)

Interview with a Vampire (cat)

RJ — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:43:51 +0000

My cat Miles is an old and senile Maine Coon. He is absolutly beautiful, with his long black, brown and white fur, so I began to wonder “Is he as old as I thought he was, or much older?” Could my very own cat be one of the blood-drinking immortal? His teeth are pretty sharp… Anythings possible! Therefore I secured an interview with him to oh-so-subtly find out if he was a vampire. So I started out with a question that would never hint at my true intent.

Me: Miles, are you a vampire?

(smooth, right?)

Miles: Vhy do you vant to know?

(ohh…evasive! how incriminating!)

Me: Umm…No reason! What’s your favorite food, Miles?

(He seemed wary, so I changed the subject)

Miles: Blood. I drink it vith my vangs. Thats vhy I have this vunny accent.

(Oh! I was wondering!)

Me:That’s wonderful, Miles. How do you get the blood?

(Where’s the nearest blood bank?)

Miles: I stalk unsuspecting young vumans, vhen I strike!

(No comment. What is someone supposed to say to that?)

Me:Er…great. So, whats the trick to grooming your fur like that?

(It’s really nice fur!)

Miles: I von’t know. I van’t vee myvelf in mirrors!

(Aww…Poor miles!)

Me: That’s terrible! One more question: why doesn’t the paparazzi ever see you in the day time?

(Does he just like the nightlife?)

Miles: The vunlight burns me!

(I know what he means. Sunburn sucks, doesn’t it?)

Me: Thank you very much for you time, miles. You may now return to draining that girl of blood.

I must admit that I was dissapointed. Miles had shown no signs of being a vampire. *Sigh* I guess I’ll just keep looking!