Change
People say: “Change makes the world go round”. Actually, gravity does. People say: “Change you can believe in”. Well, I believe it happens. People ask: “Do you have any spare change?” If I do, I give it to them, assuming they mean coins. Because “change” doesn’t just lie around, it changes things. Duh. People say: “Change is good”. I say: “that’s debatable”.
I’m going into high school in August. At the end of the year, students from my class desperately wanted to go to high school. They wanted a change. Three years of middle school, here’s your consolation prize, kids: four years of high school. Happy, happy day. And it was. Because for once, I was running with the herd. I couldn’t wait to be a mature freshman. Now, i’m having nightmares about forgetting the Pythagorean theorem. Not cool. I’m afraid. Afraid that I’ll get lost, that I won’t keep up with my classes, that the teachers will hate me. I’m afraid.
I look back on my blog, which was started more than a year ago, and everything seems recent. I feel like my life is rushing by me, things are changing and I am never going to catch up. I will never be this young again. Soon, I’ll be getting a job, parading for colleges, and being an all “A” student just isn’t going to cut it. I’m going have to change for high school: change how I act, change how I spend my time, change my gym uniform. I never used to see the world this way, as a conundrum of what has changed and what was going to. I’ve never been so confused over how to proceed. I just relied on my parents to make sure I had everything I needed. But I’m turning fifteen in October and the time to be needy and childish is trickling to an end. It’s time for a change.
I used to be great friends with my sister. Now, we argue more often than have fun. I didn’t notice it happening. I didn’t notice things changing. And I know I sound like a girl who didn’t know her boyfriend would break up with her, but I never saw it coming, and now I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t go out and find a new sister after crying on my friends shoulders. I don’t always like change. I don’t always want it. Denise says: “If you don’t like how something is going in your life, change it.” When I asked: “What about the things you can’t change?” She told me: “Wait until you can”. I can change things between my sister and me, I know I can. But I was stupid. Because I never asked Denise: “What if I don’t know how?”
I have a cockatiel. A lovely pearl cockatiel with gray and white and yellow feathers. I am ashamed to say, I don’t spend a lot of time with him. I suck as a pet owner. Lyra is going to live for thirty years. I think it’s time that I change my ways.
I bet you all are wondering why I’m writing all this. My blog, for months now has been composed of Six Word Sundays, and when I was feeling really creative, a Six word Monday, or even *gasp* a Six word Sunday (Belated). Exciting. So, this is for all the empty words, empty weeks, empty posts. I don’t want to be a burnt out blogger and I’m not going to let my laziness keep me from succeeding.
It’s time for a change.
A change that will work for me.
A change that will be un-debatably for the better.
My change is starting with this post.
This is my 645 word Wednesday.
July 28th, 2010Topic: Life, Ramblings, Writing Tags: epiphany, Life, Writing
July 29th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Grrr. I was just sitting here thinking how quiet it was and how nice it was to have a break from each other – since you and I have not had our best moments over the last few days. Now I read this and I want to call your mother and say turn around, bring her back, we have to talk about this change stuff.
We started a really good conversation awhile back. We should pick that up. I can help you work through those things you can’t change – right now. Or the things you can’t change because you cannot change other people.
During our time in NYC, we’ll lose your mom and the other bloggers for a bit and we’ll talk about this change business some more. ‘k?
xo.
July 29th, 2010 at 8:56 am
I’m 36 now, but I’m writing a novel with a 15-year-old heroine. Writing it forced me to remember being 15, and guess what happened? I started having dreams in which I was furious with my mother. My sixty-something mother whom I call all the time and get along with perfectly, but with whom I fought so violently when I was 14 and 15 that I literally ripped the hair out of my head.
She was sick when I was a kid, and everything changed way faster than I wanted it to — I think it would’ve changed fast whether she was sick or not. But I do remember there is something to 14, to 15, when you start to realize it’s on you more and more and on your parents less and less and it’s hard to negotiate how that will go.
And the hard part is that it has to be that way or you’d never leave home. You’d never launch into your own life. But there’s really no happy, lovey way to grow your own wings. Extracting yourself from relying on your parents to relying on yourself is a painful break, for them and for you. My daughter’s only six, and I’m already worried about it. I know she’ll go through it, because everyone goes through it. That’s why we all joke about how we’d never want to go back to high school — it’s a confusing time. Cling to the good parts. Remember this is hard for your parents, too. I recommend writing it all down now, because you’ll be shocked when you look back and remember the flood of emotions you had at 15. It doesn’t stay that way — sometimes I miss the rush of being so alive.
July 29th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
I don’t know if I can help but maybe I just can listen. We can talk while we’re at BlogHer if you want. Just you and me. And you have my email. Denise has my phone number. You can always use it. Always.
July 31st, 2010 at 11:35 am
Oh honey….I just want you to know that everything you’re feeling about heading to high school is SO common…SO normal. It’s scary and exciting all at once; and everyone wonders the same things you are…Can I keep up? Will I get lost trying to find my classes? Will I be liked? And you know what?….it all falls into place just beautifully. And it will for you too sweetie…you’ll see. Not everyone is open to change…sometimes I’m not; but change really is good. It opens up your life to bigger and better things and makes you grow as a person. You’re already a pretty wonderful girl…just wait until you see how you blossom in your high school years. I’m excited for you RJ. Love, Joy
August 1st, 2010 at 7:03 pm
You are an amazing young woman, Rebecca. I still get apprehensive when I start something new, and ive had a lot more time to figure out who i am. We never have all the answers! I know that some things about high school are going to be rough, but I’m sure you’re going to like much more than you don’t. And as you’re trying to figure out everything about yourself and your life, remember that nobody has it all figured out. You have lots of people who care a ton about you who can lend an ear.
I love you and can’t wait to see you!
Love,
Dad