Comfort Food
No, I’m not about to link an Epicurious Shepard’s pie, or chicken noodle soup recipe. I’m sorely tempted though. Because I think this will count as over-sharing, at least emotion wise.
Ms. M, my P.E. teacher says “Never say ‘can’t'”. I always reply: “Never say ‘never’”. Because there’s always something you can’t do. It’s only human. I’m fine with it. I prefer science. “Matter is never created nor destroyed”. Same for energy. Let me explain, because thus far, this doesn’t make sense, even to me.
I comfort eat. I eat because food is delicious. I eat because I’m angry or sad. I eat because I want to stop hearing the insults that are spewed at me like poisonous bile in the hallways. I eat because I don’t think I do well enough at anything. I eat. But Mr. M, my science teacher, has taught us about calories. He makes it sound harmless. “Calories are units of energy”. But they’re not just that.
My grandmother is Diabetic. She can’t even walk. She is so big that I have trouble folding her clothes. My mom told me once: “She can’t feel her legs, so sometimes she’ll nick them on something, and it will bleed a lot, and she won’t even notice.” So, one day, I’m eating Fritos, right out of the bag, and dwelling on being called an elephant. Denise walks in and sees me, knowing that I had eaten three donuts for breakfast, says “Do you want to end up like your grandmother?”
No.
And I’ve realized something. I don’t need to comfort eat. I’ve spent the week going through my drawers, folding the clothes neatly, separating the clothes I’ve outgrown from the ones I still wear. I’ve made my bed every day. I’ve organized my cluttered room. I’ve even cleaned out my disastrous closet. Energy is neither created nor destroyed, nor are my urges to do something to distract myself. There are some things that I can’t do, and will only leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth. What I can do is turn all that comfort food into something productive.
I don’t know if I’m losing weight. That’s not what this is about, but I would like to be healthy. This isn’t about being “pretty”, or thin. I don’t care what my peers think, most of them are idiots. (Sin of pride. It’s true.) But it is about realizing what I’m doing, and transforming that waste energy into alternate fuel. I’m stretching the analogy a bit far, but whatever.
I’ve learned a few things. People are cruel. Cleanliness is godliness. And science is more important than P.E.
Life isn’t about what you can’t do, but what you can. Take that, Ms. M!
So, what brought this on? I like to sit in my moms chair and read all the posts and tweets and things in her many tabs. I read this post by a woman named Tresha, I think it was. It was about editing your life, and how her parents were divorced, and she comfort ate, too, but she overcame it. It was similar to my story, kind of. I’m too young to want to go back and change things. But I want my life to be such that I never do. Small steps.
I’ll keep trying.
April 17th, 2010Topic: Life, Ramblings Tags: epiphany, Life
April 18th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Fascinating. We should discuss because that’s not what I said, though I do believe that’s what you heard.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
April 18th, 2010 at 9:01 am
RJ….whoa. your story is so powerful. I’m beyond moved my story impacted you. But more? I’m so moved that you ‘get’ the need for comfort is normal and natural. But doing things to suffocate that need that are harmful for ourselves isn’t. I so get when you say “this isn’t about being pretty or thin.” I so get “I don’t care what my peers think.” Most of mine were also very caught up in status and appearance. And sadly, most of my family was too. (A real reason they insisted I do the diet workshop…a story I still need to tell).
I think you and I share a ton in common. I’m not one of ‘those bloggers’ either. I’m very fulfilled (but not married), not a mom blogger (but have a ton of kids as pets, neighbors etc) and I just decided go for it. Write from the heart. Oddly the real topics are only just now starting to trickle forward. You are so there. You get what it means to write from the heart. Because you get what it means to be true to yours.
I’d love to keep reading about your journey. You may well encourage me to keep telling mine.
Corny sounding or not, big warm real hug for your strides. For being awake, conscious, alert. For being so aware YOU matter. And your opinion about yourself is the ONLY one that will ever really matter too.
Huggin you. Huge.
Tre ~
April 18th, 2010 at 9:35 am
RJ….can I share this blog on twitter? some of the followers of my stream are trying to ‘wake up’ from unhealthy comforting ways…and your story would really be a boost to them. are you on twitter? if so what’s your handle? mine’s @tresha. have a cozy sunday:)
April 18th, 2010 at 11:12 am
I love your post and your blog – I agree – books first……clothes…the food fits in somewhere, I’m working on that one too….I recently have discovered that honey is a natural sweetener, and love the metaphor for what honeybees are about – showing us that we all deserve to be nurtured and loved, which is the journey I am also on. Thank you for sharing, how do I subscribe to your blog? Thanks Mary Beth Williams My e-mail is eieiozzz@yahoo.com, I am on facebook, and twitter. Thanks!
April 18th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
I comfort eat too. Always have.
It didn’t used to matter. I was young and active and I could eat 5 donuts or 2 big burgers with bacon or a whole bag of doritos and it wouldn’t make a difference on my waistline.
Then I got older, and it did matter. I didn’t only eat if something was wrong but I would eat if things were good too. Food can be a celebration like that. So if I was very, very happy I was bigger.
My Mom always used food as a comfort tool… to celebrate a good grade or to make up for a stupid boy. I realize I do it now with my kids as well. And I need to be careful.
You already recognize this… about 25 years earlier than I ever did. So you are way ahead of the game.
April 18th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Not over-sharing at all, beautiful. You have so many adults in your life who love you, and you can tell any of us anything, anytime. You make us laugh, you make us think, you challenge us, and you’re an unbelievable amount of fun. You are our gorgeous girl, and we adore you.
April 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
By all means, tweet it! No, I’m not on twitter, sorry. Have a great Sunday, yourself!
April 18th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
Tresha sent me the link to this post because she’s helping me work through my food issues as well. I started comfort eating in my early 20s, and now at age 43, am finally addressing it and trying to learn new coping strategies besides stuffing myself with food. Like Erin said, it’s great that you figured it out now. Great post!
April 19th, 2010 at 10:31 am
I celebrate your awareness and honesty! I help people eat healthy and deal with their diseases in my profession so maybe this response is predictable but I have spent most of my career trying to help people focus on the health as their motivator and not some magical number on a dress or a scale. My motto is to eat and exercise for the health of it and let the pounds fall as they may. This is a much healthier way to go. Exercising more will help you feel better about your body whether or not any pounds are lost and it’s a great stress reducer–how powerful is that! And eating healthy (more whole foods less junk food) actually gives you more energy through the day.
Part of the re-wiring of our brain (to change old habits and responses) requires
* awareness of situations or triggers that start us down the path of anger/panic/frustration which ends up triggering some sort of food-related response…
* and then calming the situation before it gets that far and choosing a different response.
* The more times we actually choose the new, calmer response, the more we are changing this deep “wire” that is in our brain for good. I hope that makes sense.
You don’t know me but I’m sending you a big hug too!
April 19th, 2010 at 11:08 am
RJ
Welcome to your familial tendencies. NOt only did your grandmother eat for comfort so does your aunt.
I am so proud of you “getting” it about 40 years earlier than I did. I am trying so very hard to eat only for fuel and nutrition and find comfort in other things.
But it is so hard – your great great grandmother used to comfort me with the most wonderful southern layer cakes. Your grandmother used to comfort me with Hershey’s very best.
All those sweet melting calories numbed my pain of parental divorce (in the 60′s when it was very odd) the pain of teasing and childhood cruelty, the pain of being different (it didn’t used to be cool to be a geek/smart/witty) the pain of a lonely and somewhat weird childhood.
But know I am trying very hard to find comfort in volunteer work – jobs well done and yes cleanliness is next to Godliness. You are right changing how you eat has NOTHING to do with pretty or thin but everything to do with health and redirection of energy.
I love you and I just wanted to let you know I am very very very very proud of you.
Blessed be……
Betsy
May 2nd, 2010 at 8:22 pm
Do take care of yourself. I’ve been diabetic for 7 years now and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I have a sweet tooth like nobody’s business, but have to watch that stuff these days. I value my legs. And eyes.
Glad to see you have such a healthy and positive attitude. We could use more of that in the world.